Why I hate spandex

photo: bumper sticker author
Founder:  Women who hate spandex

THE REASON I HATE SPANDEX is because I can not find pants that fit me properly.

I have two pairs of jeans that have spandex in them…they feel great going on, but in about an hour they have dipped below my hip line and the edge of my derriere starts to show.  Entirely unbecoming, not to mention,  I have to spend the day hoisting them up.

I have many pairs of jeans with spandex in them that I think will fit well now that I have gained a bit of weight, but within an hour, they are falling down or loosening up and making me look like I’m ready for the circus.

Yesterday, I tried again.  Having gained a little weight, I thought maybe I will find a good fit now in spandex and most likely benefit from all of its many features that everyone else loves:  its smoothing of the body crinkles.

So there I am in one store trying on size 14 petite…can’t even button the things and yet, even in petite, they grace the floor and you could put a magazine between my rear thigh and the material.

On to another store…size 12 petite usually fit, but not in styles that I tried on yesterday.  All, but one, felt like even if I had the assistance of Queen Victoria as depicted in Victoria and Abdul, the darn things wouldn’t have slid up comfortably past my thighs.

So one of those size 12 petite almost fit…the only thing is that the button on this particular pair of curvy jeans is hammered in and securing it felt like being forced into a metal pastry tube.  What to do…I tried the size 14s which fit around the waist but left enough room for two magazines between the thigh and material.

I went to a third store and bought tights thinking maybe the solution is to wear my two all-weather skirts over and over again.  For some reason, February winter upstate NY might sum it up, I am just done with the jeans described in paragraph one.  It is so unprofessional to have to hoist away, not to mention the discomfort of having to keep watch on my backside.

I just pulled the tights out of their container…they su__ k too…there is confront or back label and the material feels like sandpaper.  So what’s an aging hippie, former country clubber to do:  find one thing that fits.  So here I am, I have white tights on that are soft and comfy (I bought them last year so I could monitor ticks on walks in the woods), a denim skirt, and a grey sweater.

Craigs List here I come:  I need a seamstress and some flax.  ASAP.  email me if you know of someone…PLEASE

Tomorrows Post:  Are there any blouses around without bat wings?img_2843


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